Let’s be honest. We live in
a world in which sex is used to sell – you name it.
The issue of sex concerns me as a
parent, and I know I’m not alone. The world
is so intensely sexualized. And instead
of sex being portrayed as the beautiful, biblical gift that it is, it's used as a
marketing tool and means of exploitation.
Further, children are encouraged to experiment with it earlier and
earlier.
I recently heard youth culture and sexuality expert Jason
Soucinek give a lecture to empower wary parents. Although this topic is a bit down the road for me with young
children, I am always up for information gathering on important issues. And I'm
excited to share this information with you - whether you are in the information
gathering phase too, or if you have teenagers and need some workable advice
now.
Sadly, the internet is currently children's number one information source on
sex. As parents, we know that we need to
appropriately restrict their access to inappropriate material. One source said that the average age of introduction to pornography is now only four years old due to the nature of public advertisements and computer pop ups. But censoring is only part of the solution. We have to be willing to talk about sex too.
Why talking is important
The number one thing that Jason advocated is that parents be
willing to talk to their children about sex. Statistic after statistic proves that parents
are simply the most influential in shaping their children's views. This is true even if you think it isn't. Even if you think your children aren't
listening, even if it appears they are blowing you off - they're still
influenced. The key is to be willing to
meet them where they are, really listen to their perspective, and be willing to
"go there" in communicating our own.
What do I mean by being willing to "go there?"
Jason talked about how a parent's elliptical treatment of sex is often
passed down. If our parents didn't
really address the issue with us, then we're likely to do the same with our
children. He was adamant that sex education is not the primary
responsibility of schools or the church; these institutions should build upon a
framework that parents have already established. A direct line of
communication between children and parents is essential.
It is this direct line of communication that can save our children
from unnecessary pain and provide them with valuable instruction. It also encourages children to go to us first with questions. Because the issue is so relevant and
pertinent to our children’s formation, we should guard our role and create a
safe and protective space for our children as their primary resource.
Framing the issue
Jason provided a helpful metaphor to breach the issue of sex with
our children. Sex is like an iceberg, he
said. Did you know that only 10% of an iceberg
is above the water? Yes, 90% of an iceberg
is actually hidden underwater, and that’s what sunk the Titanic.
Like an iceberg, when people approach the issue of sex, they often
think of the visible 10%, which is the physical act. But sex is much more beneath the
surface. It also has social, communal,
emotional, and spiritual components. To
neglect that would be to put ourselves at risk.
In an age when puberty is happening earlier and marriage is
happening later, children must wrestle with the issue of sexual restraint more
than any preceding generation. Educating our children about the gravity of
the act with its various components helps to balance out the pervasively superficial cultural view. It’s also
an entry point for a biblical discussion about sex - one in which sex is
certainly celebrated, but framed as well.
7 Talking Tips
Jason had seven important tips for parents who are ready to talk
with their children:
1. Remember that
talking about sex is more of a process than a confrontation. This can
remove tension on both sides and invite meaningful dialogue.
2. Statistically speaking, we need to communicate important
messages over 7 times. Just having one good talk about sex isn't enough
to ingrain the message.
3. In order for the message to really hit home, a teenager
needs to hear the same message from 5 different adults. This is when
cultivating relationships with other families who have similar values can be helpful.
4. We can't parent out of our own pain or our own shame.
Sexuality can be a constructive or destructive force. If we have
experienced pain, we need to be able to separate our experience from that of
our child's - but that doesn't mean neglecting to appropriately share our
wisdom.
5. Don't shelter yourself. Parents need to educate
themselves. Have your children play their music for you, listen to
conversations when driving carpool, and read school newspapers – do “field research” so that you can give
poignant advice.
6. No age is too young to
start answering questions. Gear your responses to your child's age, and
if they are on the younger side, invite them to tell you when they have heard
enough to satisfy their curiosity without feeling uncomfortable.
7. Be sure to use the
proper names for body parts in your discussions too; this simplifies the communication
line and allows any adult to understand your child should there ever be a
concern. (This is an important step in combating child abuse.)
On an issue this prominent in our culture, it’s a sad fact that
the church has often been a lacking voice in the conversation. As
influential as the church might be, however, Jason’s research shows that
parents are more successful in transmitting values. So instead of pointing fingers, we as parents
need to accept our own responsibility on the front lines. It’s an important first step.
*****
Are you interested in learning more about navigating hot parenting topics from the Christian perspective? I invite you to become an email subscriber to my blog and receive a free printable today! In the past, I have covered topics like worldly success and eating disorders.
